the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I have fence marks all over my body
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
