I haven't been this sober since birth.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
