I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
