my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
