I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
