Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we made out on top of his cat.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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