just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Bring me that man meat
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I am mentally ready for anal.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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