I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He passed out mid-signature
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
