Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
