i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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