This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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