How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
