I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
