you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
