Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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