I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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