She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if only i could text you this smell
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So many bounce houses so little time
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
