Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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