I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
