I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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