Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the condom got lost in my hair
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
