My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
