he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
