awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
