oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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