I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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