K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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