whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
