So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
