god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
