I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
