Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
