if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need a beard to bite.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
