I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
