Girls should come with a carfax report
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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