I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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