he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
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can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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