Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
