he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
