You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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