You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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