I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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