you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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