Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
