I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
