The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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