I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize