May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
