Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
