You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
