so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
