you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
