WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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