I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
