Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
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My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I didn't notice because vodka
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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